The Dark Life

I know I've been lucky in life and things could always be worse than they are. That doesn't change the fact that writing this post isn't easy. Talking to my wife about it wasn't easy either. I didn't even talk to her, I put the words into an e-mail.

As some of you may know I'm bipolar. Zoloft has done a great job of keeping me level but it doesn't always get the job done. For reasons unknown the chemical breakdown between brain cells gets worse at times and the data does not flow the way it should. When this happens I either become manic or depressed. Starting this past Sunday, April 21st, I have been depressed and each day has been worse than the one before it. I smile, put up some fun posts, spend time with the puppy, with my wife, play games and pretty much just try to live life. The tricks just aren't working this week. Honestly, I'm  a bit concerned. I can usually bounce back within 72 hours but that hasn't happened this time.

I have no plans to hurt myself or others. Do not worry about that. 

More after the jump.



Why am I worried? Because this is going on so damn long and my usual tricks aren't getting the job done. Beyond that, what happens if I go manic in the opposite direction once this passes? While that would be exciting I know it wouldn't be pleasant for the people around me and the crash afterwards would be hard.

I've dealt with this for as long as I can remember. Even as a young child I knew I felt different from the other kids but I wasn't sure why. Mostly I would get angry that they didn't feel the way I did. In the late 1990s I began to suspect my problem was manic depression / bipolar. During a very dark period in 2007 I was actually diagnosed as bipolar by a psychiatrist. This diagnosis did not go well as the doctor put me on a medication that kept me in an angry state. While angry my thoughts weren't always the most logical ones. I took myself off the medication and worked my way through the withdrawal effects. Last year I discovered Zoloft and it was a miracle drug for me. I'm still taking it and have no plans to stop. I just wish this episode would pass.

I've always been drawn to the work of Van Gogh and wasn't sure why it spoke to me. Maybe it was because he and I are both a bit crazy. Studying his life and art it appears he may have been bipolar as well. His image in this post really captures the feeling of depression for me. I smile on the outside but I feel like the image on the inside.

If you are so inclined, I have added a book my Amazon Kindle Wish List I wouldn't mind reading. The Van Gogh Blues: The Creative Person's Path Through Depression. My Amazon Reading Wish List.

Thanks for reading.