Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
Not Dead Yet
I know, I know. My posts are sporadic and do not follow any form of schedule.
Ever have one of those days where all you can think is "Fuck it. I don't want to die but I don't care to live any more either. Maybe, just maybe, if I hurt myself enough I'll drop this line of thought and be okay" ? If you haven't then you won't understand. If you have then you understand and know there is no easy answer. Thursday was one of those days for me. It all started on Wednesday though.
My mental funk has been low for quite a while now. Wednesday I felt it take a sharper angle down and called out from work. Sure my sinuses were hurting but it was the mental state that kept me home. I wasn't in a hurting mood just in a "I want to sit in a dark corner" mood. I made sure I had not missed any meds and spent the day being mostly quiet and doing nothing. I made sure I would get a full night's sleep and thought Thursday would be a better day. I couldn't have been more wrong. I woke up Thursday morning groggy and grumpy. I let the dog out, checked my e-mail, fed the dog and realized it was a bad day. I was depressed, I was angry and I really wanted to hurt myself. A fall, a cut, a hit, anything to distract my mind. I would have been happy with a tooth ache (I only get those when I don't want them.) I decided to try puppy therapy and it didn't work. I realized I was getting angry at the dog for playing rough when I normally wouldn't be bothered by that. Knowing nothing good would come of me being awake I called out sick, took a swig of Wild Turkey and went back to bed. There was a time when I wouldn't have realized what was happening in my head. I'm glad that time has passed.
Today is a better day as I have no desires to hurt myself and I'm not any angrier than usual. We'll see how tomorrow goes.
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